On Tipping

A gratuity is not charity. It is the settlement of an account that was never written down but was always understood.

I have stood on both sides of this exchange. I have received tips from gentlemen who understood exactly what they were acknowledging, and I have watched men of considerable fortune fumble through the act as though they were being asked to solve a problem in algebra under observation. The matter is not complicated, but it requires something that cannot be purchased: an awareness of the person standing in front of you and the work they have just performed on your behalf.

In a restaurant, the convention of your era appears to have settled at somewhere between fifteen and twenty per cent. of the bill before tax. This is not a suggestion to be negotiated downward when you are feeling economical or upward when you wish to impress. Twenty per cent. is correct for competent service; fifteen for service that was adequate but distracted. Below fifteen per cent., you are making a statement, and you had better be certain you wish to make it. If the service was so poor that you feel moved to leave nothing, you ought instead to speak with the manager, for silence combined with an empty tray communicates nothing useful to anyone.

At a hotel, the porter who carries your bags receives two dollars per bag. The housekeeper receives five dollars per night, left on the pillow or the desk each morning, not in a lump at the end of your stay, for the person who cleans your room on Tuesday may not be the person who cleans it on Thursday. The concierge who secures you a reservation at a place that was fully booked receives ten or twenty dollars, depending on the difficulty of the miracle performed. These are not extravagances. They are the cost of being attended to by human beings who remember whether you are pleasant or insufferable.

Your barber receives fifteen to twenty per cent.. This person holds a blade near your throat at regular intervals; it is not the relationship in which to practise frugality.

The delivery driver who brings food to your door in weather you yourself declined to go out in: fifteen to twenty per cent., with a minimum of five dollars, for the algorithm that dispatched them does not care about the rain and neither should your calculation. The driver of a taxi or car service: fifteen to twenty per cent.. The coat check attendant: two dollars per garment. These are small amounts that mean little to you and a great deal to the person receiving them.

Two errors are equally damning. The man who does not tip reveals that he has never considered, or has considered and dismissed, the labour of others. He is announcing that service is owed to him by the natural order. The man who tips ostentatiously, who fans his bills or declares his generosity aloud, reveals something worse: he has understood the transaction but has decided to corrupt it, turning acknowledgement into theatre and the recipient into an audience for his own performance.

The correct gratuity is placed quietly, without commentary, without expectation of gratitude beyond a brief nod of mutual understanding. You know what they did. They know you noticed. That is the entire conversation, and it requires no words at all.