Public Bathroom Emergencies

There will come a moment, in a place not of your choosing, when the matter becomes urgent.

This is not a failure of character but rather a failure of digestion, and it will happen to every man at least once in circumstances he would not have selected. The question is not whether it will occur, for it will; the question is how you conduct yourself when it does.

First: locate the facility. Hotels are reliable and rarely ask questions. Department stores are adequate. Coffee shops expect a purchase, but in genuine emergencies the social contract permits a certain flexibility, and you should not hesitate to avail yourself of it. Fast food establishments are, for once, your ally, as the facilities are accessible and the threshold for entry is low.

Second: assess the situation upon arrival. Check for paper before you commit, and do not regard this as overcaution, for it is the single most important reconnaissance you will conduct in your adult life. A man who has seated himself only to discover an empty dispenser is a man who must now solve a problem for which there are no good solutions and in which time is diminishing rapidly.

If paper is absent, use what is available. Seat covers. Tissues from your pocket. In the most desperate circumstances, a sacrifice of underclothing is not noble, but it is effective, and resourcefulness under pressure is a quality rather than a humiliation.

Third: manage the acoustics if you can. A courtesy flush (that is to say, flushing during the proceedings rather than solely after) is not squeamishness; it is consideration for others who are sharing the space. They are aware of what is occurring. You need not provide a soundtrack.

Fourth: wash your hands. Thoroughly. With soap. This is not the moment in which to assess whether the soap dispenser looks trustworthy. Use it. Dry your hands completely. Exit with the composure of a man who has been doing absolutely nothing of consequence.

You will tell no one. And the next time it happens, because it will, you will handle it with the quiet efficiency of experience, which is the only compensation that such episodes offer.